Sunday, November 21, 2010

What's it gonna be?

I am sitting up at 1:30am on Nov. 21 - which is my 49th birthday.  I was asleep but then in my usual way, I woke up for some reason and the brain starts moving and I can't get it shut off.
The topic of discussion in my brain this early morning is once again my lack of control over my eating and how out of control I feel.  It seems so daunting a has a hold on me for some reason right now and I can't seem to get away from it.  WHY???
I have to say I think I am probably at my all time heaviest altho I have not weighed myself in a few months, I am so afraid to what the scale would say.  I am running and have been kickboxing for the last 12 weeks but it's only been to slightly slow down what the scale would be telling me......I would probably be 10 lbs heavier if I hadn't been exercising but I still am putting on the weight. 
This really scares lack of ability to control this!!!  It really does and I feel helpless to do anything to make it stop.  It has always been that I can catch myself at the 'right time' and get things back on track but I have tried again and again and it just doesn't seem to be working.
I have done myself a disservice in many ways:
1.  Severly restricted what I will allow myself to, no carbs, no sugar, no fat etc.  This makes me want it even more and I find it's worse than ever before now.
2.  I have gone on many diets thinking that once I reach a certain goal I can go back to eating however I want.
3.  I binge on foods and don't make the effort to figure out why I do this.
4.  Food is comfort and also a reward.  My brain is really messed up here.
5.  I have 'talk bad' to myself when I mess up - telling myself I am stupid and a pig and I am weak because I can't seem to control this.
6.  I am extremely impatient and this plays against me....I think I should be making progress and when I realize I haven't made much then it sets me on a spiral. 

I have issues and I need to figure them out but I just don't seem to have a clue and how to do that.......I feel very overwhelmed and out of control right now. 
Happy 49th to me :(
When will I ever get this under control?  Where is my 'rock bottom' or ah-ha moment?

This HAS to be the year I wake up and make my health both physical and mental a priority.  I need to be committed to putting in the effort and time to get myself back on track.  I am past the half way point in the years I have left on this earth, what am I going to do with quality of life as these years go by needs to be the highest ever.

Looming questions:
1.  Why am I not happy?
2.  What does it take to get me to make my health a priority?
3.  Why do I have such a self-defeating attitude?
4.  Why am I so impatient and can't see the long-term goal?
5.  What stressful things in my life might be causing some of these issues?
6.  WHY DON'T I LIKE MYSELF???  This is the big one.....and I think the root to the entire problem.

I need to take this first day of my 49th year and really dwell on these issues and decide what the future will hold for me.

Happy 49 - make it the best year yet.

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